Making excuses

Have you ever found yourself making excuses for your PDAer’s behaviour to other people?

I’m talking about the sometimes unconscious choices we as parent carers make to explain away or ‘cover-up’ behaviours that society deem unacceptable, which make people who don’t *get-us* feel shocked, uncomfortable and may bring about judgement.

I’m guessing the answer from some of you is, at *some point* yes.

Why?

To make our kids appear less different?

To offer explanations for their less socially-acceptable behaviours?

To make it appear like we have control as a parent?

To try and make people feel less uncomfortable around us?

Wow, writing it down, that’s a huge admission to make. Especially for someone like me who always talks about societal acceptance of our kids and being proud of them for who they are.

It makes me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed to admit that I think so this. But it’s the truth.

I had a different kind of lightbulb moment a few days ago, when I realised just how much of this – let’s call it parental masking, a re-framing of JJ’s behaviour for other people – that I was doing.

I realised that in some situations I was trying to put his character, personality and actions into a more palatable and understandable light for neurotypical people to be able to comprehend.

Mainly so they don’t judge him, or me, unfairly. I hate the thought of us being judged for the ring reasons, and I REALLY need to work on that.

I want people to understand JJ, but at the same time he is so unique and complex, like all our PDAers, that it’s difficult to explain PDA quickly and concisely. We all know that!

If JJ had a physical disability then perhaps I wouldn’t feel the need to explain. But unexpected or challenging behaviour from a young person who *looks* typical tends to bring reactions, questions and sometimes even expectations of punishment.

So it does feel important to explain. To stand up for them.

But when does standing up for them, educating people about our kids, turn in to speaking FOR our kids? Putting words in their mouths which aren’t true.

JJ recently asked me to stop talking to some of our neighbours, when I was mid-conversation:

‘Mummy who even ARE these people? They’re so boring! Can you stop talking now so we can go!’.

On the surface I don’t need to explain to you how that would have looked.

One word. Rude!

But behind the behaviour are a multitude of factors at play for JJ.

He was anxious about being out of the house for a walk.

He is suspicious of strangers.

He doesn’t see the point of polite conversation.

He does not feel the need to be automatically nice to people he doesn’t know, and who haven’t earned his trust.

He doesn’t see hierarchy or the expectation to be respectful to elders regardless of who they are.

So, how do YOU handle a situation like this?

Laugh it off as ‘he’s just grumpy’, smile and walk away? Is that a good enough excuse?

Do a slightly half-hearted mock-chastening of your child…? If they see you using discipline then perhaps they won’t think you’re a bad parent.

Spend ten minutes trying to explain your child’s unique neurology to total strangers? When you’re already heightened yourself. And also run the risk of your child’s behaviour escalating as you’re not giving them what they need…

Option one is the easiest. But it’s still not right. It’s lying, making the situation more palatable for strangers. And it’s not being true to your child.

But with family members or friends who may not be exactly on the same page as you when it comes to PDA, it can feel like an explanation of the behaviour is called for. You can feel very ‘on the spot’.

And that can become utterly exhausting after a while. Explaining, explaining, explaining, especially if the audience don’t/won’t understand or accept what you’re saying.

It can make you feel like it’s just not worth spending time with some people. And that’s really, really hard to have to admit.

I think I’m talking about my own internalised ableism here people.

Because at the end of the day, just because our kids may sometimes break society’s unwritten rules, that doesn’t automatically make it our problem, one that we have to somehow solve.

We don’t need to make excuses to strangers, as, well their opinion has no bearing on our life!

We don’t need to be with family and friends who don’t accept us. I’m not saying we have to burn bridges and cut people out, but that it’s ok for us to be choosy about who we spend our precious time with.

All of these interactions we parent carers have, these micro-masking moments, the excuses and the reframing of the behaviour in to palatable terms, the repeated explanations…we don’t HAVE to do this.

We can unlearn this habit.

Day by day, we can try to make one less excuse.

We can offer explanations only to those we love and who deserve to know.

We can unload one more heavy weight from our shoulders, the weight of explanation.

Because, like me, you’re juggling tons of intense and fluctuating priorities on a daily basis. And your child/children are at the heart of that. Why do we need to waste time, energy, spoons…on trying to make *other people* feel better.

We don’t. But, it’s a work-in-progress for me.