Meltdowns which result in distressed behaviour are common for many autistic people. But meltdowns don’t all look the same.
Fight/flight/freeze and fawn may all manifest as differing reactions to an autistic person being intensely overwhelmed by their emotions and reactions to different situations and stimuli.
JJ’s reaction to overwhelm is almost always ‘fight’ – distressed behaviour. From the age of two this was the case and it’s been a really really long and hard journey for us as a family, to come to terms with this, to try and learn how to deal with it and most importantly, how to support JJ through his meltdowns.
When you’re dealing with physically distressed behaviour, it’s really easy to forget that the impact of the meltdown upon the autistic person is just as – if not more – painful and upsetting for them, than it is for those around them.
It’s always mystified me as to why there isn’t any readily accessible help or resources for helping parents navigate distressed behaviour. Like so many things on this journey, you’ve got to search high and low, ask other parents and/or become your own expert.
JJ’s meltdowns, which started at age two and steadily got worse for many years, brought upon me intense feelings of shame, loss of control, fear, embarrassment and lots of other conflicting and soul-destroying emotions.
I’m focussing on the FIGHT response here, which often results in physically distressed behaviour. So why is it important for me to address this?
Nobody talks about meltdowns openly
There’s no obvious help available
Frustratingly, it often looks like our children are ‘naughty’ and we don’t have control
It makes us parents feel embarrassed, as if it’s our fault because of poor parenting
People think we’re not setting boundaries, and our kids are ‘getting away with everything’ and ‘ruling the roost’
We can feel lost, isolated, full of shame and distanced from family and friends
Nobody seems to consider the neurodivergent young person in the middle of this, and how the distressed behaviour makes THEM feel…
Below are links to a series of videos (each one is roughly four minutes long) I created about different aspects of distressed behaviour, with a focus on what we can practically do to help our young person, other family members, and ourselves. All of the videos are firmly rooted in kindness, compassion, safety and keeping your child at the heart of everything you do.
Looking inwards:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/567489605135605
Risk-assessing your space:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/162042333319483
Noticing the signs before the meltdown:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/755649232801805
Using distractions:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/1422039861668391
Keeping yourself and others safe:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/944722249875684
https://www.facebook.com/reel/998342488236867
Restraint, and why I choose not to do it:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/166720859551073
After the storm has passed:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/229192692846304
Meltdowns in public:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/920121319035931
*I’m not an expert. It’s important you understand I have no formal qualifications or training in dealing with distressed behaviour. All opinions are my own and are based on personal experience, research, talking to other parents and listening to autistic/PDA voices.*
But please, let’s keep the conversation going. Distressed behaviour can have such a negative impact on families like ours, but we can work through it, things can and will improve. But only if we are honest and open together.
Further resources:
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/contact-us/enquiry-line/
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/helpful-approaches-children
A Boy Less Ordinary 