On the ‘parenting-a-PDAer’ circuit, you hear a LOT of stories about kids having issues with personal hygiene and grooming, especially hair. I think the only thing I’ve heard more commonly is issues with teeth cleaning. But hair seems to come a close second in terms of major challenges.
One of the first blogs I ever felt compelled to write back in January 2021 (aka The Dark Years), was about JJ’s hair. I’d just managed to cut his very long hair for the first time in about four years, and I had a lot to say on the subject 
I’d become *so desperate* to sort his unruly, matted and dreadlocked locks, that I’d even offered to shave my own hair off to try and distract from the demand. Despite all my best efforts I’d completely exacerbated the situation.
Fortunately it didn’t come to me doing a GI Jane, and we managed the task somehow.
This morning, JJ had only his *second* haircut since that day in early 2021. An inch and a half of his thick mop was speedily snipped off by me, whilst he tipped his flowing mane over the back of a chair, so that not one single tiny evil piece of chopped hair touched his body.
He wanted me to use a water spray, so he didn’t have to cope with washing his hair first, and he chose to listen to an audio book to help take his mind off the situation.
I’ve learned a great deal about JJ in the last three years, and most if it has been learned (to quote my lovely late father) The Hard Way. I’ve had to make lots of mistakes in order to become even close to the parent that JJ has needs me to be.
Only when I’ve learned from my mistakes (grudgingly and battle-weary) has he had the space to grow and develop in his own authentic way.
When you’re the parent of a PDAer you need to quickly become as much of an expert as possible – not only in your own child and in PDA – but also in the complexities of things such as sensory differences which can affect so many areas of your child’s life and development.
And I’m guessing a lot of you know why. Because there is very little, or more accurately for most people, NO help whatsoever when it comes to raising our children in the way they deserve to be raised.
One of the things I learned early on, was NOT to make assumptions about what JJ found sensorily challenging, and to always question why these challenges were there before I tried to help him.
For example, people who see him with ear defenders may assume that this is because he is sensitive to loud noises, and while that’s true – it’s just the tip of the sensory iceberg.
He is in fact happy with loud noises that he is *in control of*, such as playing loud music, or being in his favourite theme park.
But in public toilets for example, he has to protect his ears as who knows when the hand drier will come on?
If a place has dim lighting, this adds to the sense of not being in control, and the possibility and dread that sudden noises will occur, so he will wear ear defenders when walking in to a seemingly quiet space if the light is low.
Back to hair. His fear of haircuts is multi-layered (excuse the pun) and it’s only recently that I’ve been able to unpick this a bit.
Yes of course it’s a huge demand which causes avoidance, but the sensory issues are complex.
The thought of even a a *tiny piece of hair* being on his skin or clothing is unbearable, as is the sound of the cutting, the feel of anything on his scalp, or the possibility of a comb tugging his already highly sensitive scalp. Add to that the anticipation caused by what will greet him when he looks in the mirror, and the worry that he will not like what he sees – and you’ve got a heady and potent mix of overwhelming difficulties to overcome.
So what’s the takeaway from this for us as parents when approaching something like a haircut?
Think carefully about the issues you are aware of, and don’t assume that’s all there is.
Ask as many questions as your PDAer can manage and if appropriate, explain you need to know as much as possible in order to help.
Collaborate on solutions together.
Offer as many options as possible, but only as many as they can handle in that moment.
Step back from the situation and risk-assess all the elements involved that may cause discomfort. Are you missing anything out?
Be creative and inventive – wash hair at the swimming pool, brush teeth in the car, etc.
Beware of using reverse psychology and bribery. PDAers can sense a ruse a mile away.
Consider if it’s really necessary to do the thing right now. The old adage for parents of PDAers is always relevant: ‘does it really matter?’ and if it doesn’t matter, leave it for a while.
This morning, JJ •chose• to have a haircut. There was no demand from me this time, but it was bothering him so he decided it was time. I was honest and told him I was nervous too, as I didn’t want to mess things up and upset him.
Today, it worked, so this is a win FOR HIM. He achieved an aspect of personal care which he finds supremely challenging. Next time, it may not be so successful and it’s really important not to see this as something I’ve achieved, a win for me, or something I’ve conquered. Ultimately I relinquished control and he called the shots – where, when and how – and that’s the only way we can work through life right now.
A Boy Less Ordinary 