Where does he go from here?

 

I’ve written in the past about the thorny issue of whether or not attending a school can *ever* be right for a PDAer.

In my current opinion – based on JJ’s history, his age, his complex profile of autism and also based upon my reading and experiences of connecting with other parents of young PDAers, and hearing from adult PDAers (that’s a long sentence…) I think the chances of our kids attending school in a ‘traditional’ sense are slim to none.

There’s often just TOO MUCH for them to navigate, even before they get in the door, in order to make any kind of effective learning possible.

In JJ’s own words, spoken to me today:

‘I just don’t think I’m going to be able to go to school right now. I’ve tried it multiple times and it was a nightmare. And *you’re* not there.’

Regular readers will know JJ has had three school placements in his short life – mainstream, Waldorf Steiner and specialist – and found each one just as challenging as the other, albeit in different ways.

BUT – he wants to learn. And he wants friends.

‘If I don’t go to school mummy, I’ll be dumb forever and won’t be able to get a job!’ he has said to me in the past.

Of course, his dad and I have explained many times that education doesn’t have to be linear, and doesn’t have to be traditional. It can be bespoke: home ed (if you can afford it), unschooling (ditto), EOTAS (if you’re lucky).

But what if your child is just not ABLE to access alternatives? What if it’s all just too much?

Last year we were granted EOTAS (admittedly our LA first made me beg and scrape, and then screwed the whole thing up…) but JJ just wasn’t in the right space to be able to make choices about educational opportunities, and also didn’t feel able to access the opportunities that were available.

It still felt prescribed, as if he wasn’t in control, and involved him making commitments he didn’t feel able to.

And that’s anxiety-based demand avoidance folks. Sometimes, even when a part of you wants to do something, knows it might be great and lead to other greater things even – the anxiety will explode, and then it’s not going to happen. It CAN’T happen.

So, where do we go from here?

Last summer, after almost two and a half years without a formal education, JJ asked to return to his specialist school. He wanted to try again.

He wanted to make friends.

He wanted to do something to end the boredom and under-stimulation he finds himself sitting with on a daily basis, despite my best efforts to be mother, teacher, friend, playmate, gaming buddy…

He said he wanted to learn things so he had ‘some sort of future’. Because yes, he worries about his place in society already.

He doesn’t want me to be his teacher; he doesn’t want me ‘sneaking’ learning in to everyday life!

Home is for fun and relaxation. And to blur those boundaries is an anathema to JJ.

But now, as the year draws on, careful plans *must be made* for his transitionand bringing up the subject is something I *need* to do, as I’m respecting his earlier wishes about wanting to attend school.

But on the other hand, bringing up the subject causes his anxiety to peak. And I don’t want to put pressure on him, or frighten him.

So, I tell him that it’s ok if he doesn’t go – and he tells me it’s not ok, he has to try. But he doesn’t think he can.

I tell him to think short-term. Let’s remember, we don’t have to plan for years here. Months is ok. But this doesn’t make him feel better.

And secretly, I know that asking the LA for anything takes months and months, so really – this isn’t a flexible situation at all. It’s a complicated mess.

Because our our kids don’t fit those neat boxes, people!!

So, where *do* we go from here?

Like everything in this life we lead, we wait and see. We try as best we can to respect the wishes of our young PDAers, we recognise the disability, and we do our best to collaborate and support them through these times.

I think JJ needs time, lots of time, to be able to work through his feelings, wants, needs, anxieties, and aspirations. And to balance that with what he feels he is capable of right now.

I don’t know how much time it will take, but I do know that the older he gets, the more he gets to know himself, the better he becomes at self-advocacy.

But, talk about being between a rock and a hard place right now. It’s so hard not knowing what the future will bring.